This just in:
A third sighting of the missing blogger by Fräulein Ermentraud Hügelmeyer on Thursday, December 6 (Vietnamese take-out containers in hand; Goodfellas DVD poking out of back pocket) prompted the Elite Forces Unit of Berlin's Online Armed Services Division (BOASD) to conduct a raid on Schwedter Strasse on the morning of Monday, December 10.
BOASD reports these findings:
1 mattress, with balled-up comforter (no bedframe)
1 oversized Ikea wardrobe ("Takes up the whole dang flat," complained Elite Forces agent Otto Austerlitz)
3 mugs (sliced ginger root mouldering at their bottoms)
2 empty take-out containers ("bearing scent of Won Ton soup")
1 Mercedes star, hanging by a nail (otherwise, all walls barren)
1 iMac, 1 iBook, 1 iPod ("Jesus, what's with this kid and Apples?" muttered self-professed PC man Austerlitz)
and
1 Bayreuthian individual
No further details of the raid were released. "A matter of national security," stated agent Otto Austerlitz. (Though he did reveal: "SKYPE chat transcripts suggest the missing blogger has temporarily left Berlin.") Fortunately, a neighbor [hereby known as "Helmut"] cowering in the stairwell offered the following observations:
Five BOASD Elite Force agents, outfitted in full Dirty-Bomb Detonation gear, pounded rifle butts against the door. A blondish man, in wife-beater and Nike sweats, opened up. Jay-Z bellowed in the background. Hello brooklyn how you doin... Rubbing pink-rimmed eyes, the individual emitted a dry-throated cough, sneezed, then coughed again.
"Bayreuth Boy Beardman Man of the People Friend of the Community?" shouted Elite Agent Austerlitz into the individual's startled face. Imma be your man you could be my lady... A single nod, and the individual was promptly tackled to the floor, dragged across the parquet, and pinned to the sofa. And drive my car and drive me crazy...
The door was then slammed shut, precluding Helmut from further
viewing. However, the young man's screams reverberated through the thin
walls, above and beyond Jay-Z's rhyme.
"I have no idea what you are talking about!" Baby you are the sweetest thing eyes could see...
"I know no blogger from Boerum Hill!" I said hello brooklyn, but baby i hope you never say goodbye to me...
"I will never reveal her whereabouts!" I said hello brooklyn, but baby you are so dahm fine to me...
"No! Please! Not my iMac—" A clatter and Jay-Z was suddenly wordless.
"Aaaargggh!" Followed by a prolonged dripping noise, which Helmut took to be Chinese water torture (or its Teutonic derivative: The Becks Beer Trickle).
Twenty minutes later, Elite Force agents reemerged, dragging the individual, now half-conscious, hair soggy, out the door and down the stairs. His bare feet went bump bump bump all the way to the ground floor.
"To think a guy like that would perpetrate American-style hanky-panky," said Helmut, shaking his head sadly. "He looked harmless enough. But these days you never do know." When informed of the young man's Franconian origins, Helmut appeared aghast. "Bayreuthian Techtelmechtel? The most treacherous kind!" '
Pressed for details, he added (with reluctance): "A taste of that, and a girl can never go back. Especially a girl from Brooklyn."
He would say no more.
I want pictures!
Posted by: Julie | December 18, 2007 at 11:58 AM